Full Moon

Retorgrade Reflection III

I tossed and turned,

swimming in negative reviews of the past

as if I could not find a way to land.

Over and over

the memories came in fast waves,

pummeling.

But I remembered…

I can let them go.

And one by one

they floated away

into the ethers.

My nighttime room felt strangely bright —

was I more sensitive tonight?

Or was it simply knowing

I had to rise early

and make the drive to Seattle?

Restless.

I donned my eye mask.

My feet searched again and again

for a cool patch of sheet.

At least my bed is comfortable.

I sink into the mattress

and allow myself to be held.

A thin sleep, finally.

The alarm —

one snooze allowed.

My belly screaming in pain.

Why?

I rise,

cashmere against a stiff body.

And there she is —

in all her glory —

the full moon in retrograde,

peering in at me

with a wide, knowing smile.

Oh.

Now I understand.

She stirred the waters.

She brought the tides close

so I could see

what still clung to shore.

Let it go, she whispers.

Let it go.

I sit and watch

as dark turns slowly toward light.

And just as the sky begins to pale,

a veil of cloud

draws itself across her face.

Of course.

She is barely there now —

a faint outline behind morning.

And it’s okay.

My stomach still aches,

grabbing for my attention.

So I press the hot water bottle

against my belly

and breathe.

Some tides take longer to settle.

Warmth against the ache.

Breath in the early light.

The moon recedes.

The body remains.

And I stay.

I only needed a glimpse.